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I Wish We Could All Win
butJUST LET ME SAY THIS, I FORSEE A MISERABLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME IF I TAKE UP THIS JOB.
and mum's hospital flashbacks are really taking over me. and honestly, i dont understand why i cant seem to get out of this miserable state. and i say this in a humble manner though it may not sound so. but i'd also like hotel near port of los angeles to come home asap and hide under my very own comfy blanket. just like how you were the only one who made me feel i mattered for some reason when you talked to me that night, when you gave me your email, when you replied my emails promptly and not-so-promptly, when you kept your promise, and when came down from the stage to greet me. . to make me feel i matter again. at the end of the day, the message behind each episode just speaks so much for me. it's like i have all these characters within me and they're just individually wrapped and showcased sepereately on the show. you may or may not know that it is you that i'm talking about. in fact i think your person is more loving than me (and i say this in a non-jealous-comparison manner).
whoever has me as a teacher will suffer. i cannot emphasise enough how much i hate it. and you havethat kind of person i would love to have by my side at your side during this period when they're needed most. and for the record, the spore education system hasnt been of the kindest to me. and stop looking at me that way. )i have never been more blatant at hinting. i'd like shorts for going out. i need nice pairs of heels/pumps/ballet flats. it's not that i dont love you or dont care for you. i can only take ease in the fact i dont have to teach at the pool all thatoften anymore.
and i hate myself everyday for always carrying that any simple bit of slight hope thati snow summit townhouse rental can squeeze out of me that i just might see your reply the next time i check my email. and the usual tshirts to go with jeans, preferably with no prints. tired of fulfilling other people's emotional needs when mine needs to be tended to as well. the worst is when you know what they're thinking, and you know them for the person that they are, and they lie in your friggin fat face.
i just want to run away and be myself for awhile.
like that of morningor like when the air is so crisp whenit is just about to rain and you can just smell the rain in the airyunno? i hate that the online websites all sell what i want but they just dont ship to spore! argh. IT'S NOT FREAKING GROCERY SHOPPING!i love you dad. side notes: i've been listening to diana krall's christmas album -and am in search of jar candles that has the scent of "fresh rain", "snow", "freshly baked cookies", "ginger tea", "pine", "mint", or any water dew smell. (and to all who know me, you know i like my clothes VERY UN-fitting. You are viewing half_raisin's journalLog in Create a LiveJournal Account Learn moreLJ Contest: Answer to Win! September 21st, 2007 (02:33 pm) i'm surprised. and to you tom: i dont know what to do about you. now that time has passed since mom, it has come to pass and much needed realisation that i need an even much-more-needed-long-OVERDUEDFEW man skin care product MONTHS off, or at least let me give it a shot and do whatever i want WHILST I'M STILL IN MY PRIME (of which AT LEAST HALF of it has gone into things-that-was-required-of-me-and-not-things-i-want-to-do). let me tell you waht you can do for me. after all, whether or not it's a bad habit, a person potentially dies either from first hand or second hand smoke. the bitter is beginning to overshadow the sweet. i'm sorta looking forward to it. charms, gems, crystals are unexpected but more than welcomed. everything just keeps crashing down. ive done so many things for yours and moms and the familys sake that i personally refuse and wouldntchoose to do if i chose to lead my own individual selfish life. but i just dont see how things can be better.
trust me, it's so bad fun kid learn online place that if i ever were about self-mutiliation and i had a knife next to me, i would've cut myself.
you can find emotional comfort in your person than in me.
i'm still a flipflop girl at heart though, so that's "tough". and if i can, i wish i could disappear into thin air just like that. and because what i need now is a mother's reassuring hug. in the meantime i'm going to burn candles in my room.
it's like every episode expresses whatever emotion/thought that i've been experiencing but have yet to pinpoint what it is or give it a name.
and again, I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE. but your sensitivity is just too much for me to take and yet i find myself struggling to feign interest in what you have to say. what's so difficult about it? honestly.
i'm trying my hardest to tell you that i'm SIMPLY NOT READY to teach, and that i WANT to CHOOSE NOT to accept the offer, but you SIMPLY REFUSE to listen and hear me out. not because i dont understand, but because it called for a wt* response.
it's not that i dont want to get out of this state. . at the top of my lungs and nobody hears. and to think i thought i just finished the longest 3 years of my life. i need something to make me feel better, void that emptiness. why do i always have to be the one making life easier for you? not just time line of quaternary period in this case.
i am nothing but a feeble worthless piece of crap. i dont even feel my mom anymore. the good is the temporal effect does not latch on and you're able to maintain composure and a sense of ease and move on and get on with life and what not. and now? look where i am for trying to blind item not so be a good kid- i'm CONSTANTLY being FUCKING REJECTED all-fucking-right?!?!? and let me make this clear: all my life i settled for second best; this is probably the one and only aspect that i do not want to compromise. but i need some aromatherapy to soothe my unrested soul. i'm going crazy as it is already. i'm hoping i can get a full-time job and get out of it totally. maybe next time i should have a list of pictures of the exact things i want posted. and i dont understand how i'm alone in all this. but now, whilst everyone is asleep and the rain is pouring outside, i find myself tearing uncontrollably. so it's not that youdont have anyone to talk to alright. because i didnt get my sausage dog puppy, i dont know exactly what i want, but i'd just list out stuff that i'm into. tired of being so careful of stepping on your stupid toes because of your stupid hyper-sensitivity.
but because i've no balls, all highest paying trucking jobs i did was cry and cry and cry and soband hyperventilate hysterically. under all that appearance of being fine and shite,i am actually feeling nothing but of pain & sadness, right this very moment i wish i wasnt here. the bad is when your emotions catches up with you at a triggerand everything hits you at one go and you go on an emotional outrage. i applied initially, not having given it careful thought for myself but only to bring a smile to your face, and i did not have a job, and i thought wth just give it a shot, at the end of the day i can CHOOSE NOT to accept it. nothing preppy, more bohemian and grunge.
dont people realise that there are repercussions to things that they say in my face.
the whip cream on the sundae is the UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT LOOK you gave me (when iFINALLY mustered up the muchneeded courage to tell you that i didnt want toaccept the offer in FULL HOPE and CONFIDENCE you'd understand like you ALWAYS DO FOR OTHERS)and that TOTALLY SHATTERED me on top of the pushing and forcing me to take up this stupid job, making me feel horrible and wrong to want something for myself. you're not the onlyone who lost mom. we got our own ways of doing it and to put it bluntly, my way does not involve you. you may or may not be reading this. one after the other then another. and to top it of, it's my life and i still have to seek you permission for it. ); the random breaking into song and thought tops it off. the dramedy that speaks of life almost all-too-accurately (for me at least); filled samsung dlp rear projection with sarcasm, mockery, funny, and real-life situations; integration of so many classic other shows; with characters that all seem to have multiple personality disorder (or maybe it's me. ie, the bigger the size you get me, the more likely i'll wear it.
carlsbad costa la resort i'm not asking for a long one though it might be nice. firstly, i rejected a couple in the early years because i know yall wouldnt let me date and all i wanted to do was be a good kid. the cherry on top is your constant pushing for me to go out and get a boyfriend.
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